Must Read: Honorable Secretary (18+)

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Honorable Secretary (18+)

Traffic was nasty as usual but I finally made it home around 7.30 pm, very tired and famished.

A quarter of an hour later, standing stark Unclad in front of an open fridge after undressing and silently debating the wisdom of going out to buy hot Suya and Agege bread for dinner, my phone rang.

It was madam Ayiri.

I let it ring twice before I reluctantly picked the call.

“Assistant daddy, Seke oni seke!!! Welcome back. How today for office?”

“The office was fine thank you ma. You didn’t get my sms?”

“The text message? I did na, why?”

“I thought I explained that I was going to be working late today, that’s why I’m wondering.”


She just burst into loud laughter.

“Seke!!! You think I’m one of those small small chewing gum girls you carry upandan that you can be swerving anyhow like when danfo driver is running from LASTMA? I got info of your arrival the minute you entered this Estate. To be assistant daddy no be play play at all o, the office carry plenty responsibilities. Abeg no let me waste my credit too much. I’ll see you soon.”

And she ended the call, still chuckling.

I dropped the phone on the fridge, closed it and stood there bemused. See me see wahala o. That she got word immediately I entered the Estate? Babanla stalker alert, what kind of mischief have I gotten myself involved in kwa? Now she’s coming over, again. Does this woman think I’m a plug and play S£x machine or something, just press button and voila – preek go begin strong?

Before you could say Jack Robinson, there was a knock on my gate meaning she must have been close by when she made the call. Conscious as ever about attracting unwanted attention, I rushed to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, tied it round my waist then quickly went to open for her. Thankfully there were no lights in my neighbor’s compound.

Once we were indoors, she dropped the bag she was carrying on the dining table and brought out a small red food warmer which she twisted opened. The savory smell of well fried stew with plenty of iru flew up my nostrils making my stomach rumble. This was the devil at work, how did she know I loved iru in my stew?

“I made some rice and stew for you, knowing you must be hungry and this place will most likely be empty of food – chronic bachelor that you are. You want to eat now or make I keep am till later?”

I was still slightly pissed at the fact that she decided to crash my place without my invitation so I just kept mute, praying that my belly wouldn’t rumble audibly and disgrace me. She closed the warmer and looked at me again.

“Seke, talk now. Which one you wan do, abi na do you wan do first before anything?” Her impish smile was back in sight.

“Madam I’m fine as I am, thank you very much. I just don’t appreciate your coming here this evening after I told you I had something to do. I don’t at all.”

“Ah Seke, I’m sorry. You don vex ba, oya sorry no vex. It wasn’t like I planned to come sef but Daddy called this afternoon that he’ll be coming home tomorrow and he will be around for another week or so. That was why I came to collect small dose of Vitamin ‘Q’ before he arrives to keep body and soul together until he goes back.”

My heart had skipped a beat when she first mentioned her husband but her explanation calmed me down and I loosened up a bit.

“Ehen, if he’s coming home tomorrow why do you now need the kondo? Shebi Daddy will be around to supply all your needs in abundance, abi?”

“See this Seke o. Let me chook you small pin, see ehn since yesterday my body has just been sweeting me anyhow. Daddy’s own doesn’t do me like that, at all at all. That one shot wey I collect yesterday just be like drug for my system.
Somebody even commented today about my radiant skin. Walahi, your vitamin ‘Q’ na confamento.”

“Waawu, I didn’t know o. Maybe I should start advertising.” We both laughed at the joke.

“Well sha. I’m happy Daddy is coming to spend some time with you but right now I’m hungry and tired and I’m not even sure I can do any shoki this night.”

“Haba Seke, strong man like you. Oya confess, you don divert somewhere or you get piss-put for office ba?” I playfully raised both hands to proclaim my innocence.

“No just fall my hand biko, I don dey think kpanshin since afternoon. In any case sha, I brought you small something to give you additional power.” She delved into her bag and brought out a small bottle which she handed over to me.

“That is what they call Ogidiga. I didn’t find Baby Okwu but this one also works wonders according to the Sisi selling at the bus stop. I also have a bottle of malt and a tin of preek milk if na that style you want.”

“Give me a minute let me take a shower then, I’m grimy from all the traffic and I really wasn’t expecting you so soon.”

She drew closer to me and inhaled. “Ehen, I talk am. You smell like a hard-working man should smell jor. Issnor every time that a man should smell like a baby. You don’t know that the smell of a real man turns a woman on? Abeg bone the shower for now, you can do it after.”

I would have laughed but my empty belly chose that exact time to rumble loudly.

“Aha Seke, see as your belle dey protest. I knew you would be hungry but you come dey form Van Damme for me. Make we just do one shot before you chop.”

Again I told her I was too tired for janglova.

“Haba Seke! You can’t be that tired now, bia, even if na one shot only I will give you all the encouragement you need.”

Quick as lightning before I could move out of range, she grabbed my towel and yanked it off exposing my J0yst!ck, which she hefted in her hand and briefly massaged.
Nothing happened.

At that moment if ‘Lil J had a hand, I swear I would have gallantly hi fived it. It just lay there, curled in her palm like a cold fat lifeless worm, totally unresponsive. I gave her the ‘see what I told you’ look, smiling triumphantly. I obviously didn’t know Madam Ayiri well enough or how determined she could be when it came to lashing matters.

She simply knelt down and pushed my exposed cap into her mouth.

Whoa!” Wait wait, what are you doing? I thought…I thought you didn’t.”

She released it long enough to reply.

“I read something this afternoon on how to jumpstart any sluggish or broken down rod.
Make we see if oyinbo dey lie.”
And she started enthusiastically sU-Cking my J0yst!ck.

Poor ‘Lil J’ hadn’t bargained for that kind of assault and in my head I could almost hear James Ingram singing ‘I did my best….’ as it slowly started stretching out and stiffening.