Is sex really the relationship?

9 years ago

Is sex really the relationship?

Many times, majority of singles and unmarried in a dating relationship engage in sex to keep the relationship going. But a recent survey from over 3,000 researchers has concluded that sex does not strengthen, preserve or keep a relationship. Although many unmarried younger men and women find this difficult to believe, today we shall look at some facts these researchers got from all over the globe.

Every manufacturer always designs a product for a purpose. They specify the usage and we, the consumers, abide by their specifications. Sex is designed to exist within certain boundaries; sexual union is intended as an expression of a lifelong commitment, a symbol of a union that exists only within the unconditional commitment of marriage. So, sex is designed for the marriage union and should be reserved for the same purpose. Sex and marriage go together. Every act of sex outside of marriage cheapens both sex and marriage. So, sex is not the relationship.

It pays to save sex at its proper time and place – and that is in your marriage. Many single young men find it difficult to eventually marry a lady that freely offers sex to them because they think that if the milk is free there should be no need to pay for the cow. There is still something so special when the surprise is kept for the wedding night. ‘But we really love each other’ has no bearing on the ethics of sexual intimacy—sex does not become permissible through subjective feelings, but through the objective lifelong commitment of marriage. God is not cruel. He doesn’t command you to abstain from necessities such as eating or drinking or breathing. Sex is something everyone can abstain from; yes it is a strong desire, but never an emergency, nor a necessity.

Sex outside its boundaries is inseparable from the responsibilities and the consequences. It makes having a long term relationship more difficult. Sex before marriage begins to thaw away. You find yourself divorcing your emotions from the actual act of sex. This cheapens your emotions and short-circuits your ability to form lasting and meaningful relationships. It makes sex, as an expression of love, so empty.

The standard argument for having sex before marriage is this: If two people love each other, then what is so wrong with having sex? If the only means to say, “I love you,” is to have sex, then the unmarried people are in trouble. Sex ought to be the final expression of your love when you have thrown yourself completely and absolutely into a lifelong relationship. Anything less than complete commitment makes the expression of sex mundane and often even, vain. Sex, as a final act of commitment, is a powerful statement of love that deepens marital commitment and rekindles excitement. It robs you of your self-worth, it takes away the commitment and replaces it with a cheap love, and you rob yourself of one of the most precious gifts you can give. It also damages your own self-worth. You’ll begin to think either less of yourself, or others will think less of you. And if that is all you have, your mind and heart begin to drift and you begin to question your own self-worth. Is it just your body that the other craves? What happens when you get sick, or old, or wrinkled? Will you be loved when you can’t perform like you do now? Can the relationship survive outside of the sexual act?

Believe it or not, indiscriminate sexual activities before marriage will haunt you in your future relationships; this I can practically guarantee. You would have regret, depression, anxiety, abortion, nightmares, suspicion, and trust issues. The physical and relational consequences of sex outside of marriage are painfully real. True love would be patient in waiting for the proper time for sex.

“But we’re going to be married anyway,” is another common excuse. Along with being presumptuous, this stance will almost certainly leave one question unanswered: If one gives in to sexual demands before marriage, what will stop him or her from giving in to such demands elsewhere once married?

But what if we get married and find out we’re completely sexually incompatible? Do you know that you could actually find out if you’re incompatible with your spouse in a hundred different ways? Every married couple does. But a successful marriage isn’t based so much on compatibility as on a commitment to work through the incompatibilities.

Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50 per cent higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child. As a matter of fact, people who have sex outside of marriage usually don’t end up marrying each other. Not even when the thought of getting married was their reason for having sex.

There are many other ways to find out if you are compatible: spending time together getting to know one another through dates and talking to each other, finding out each other’s likes, dislikes, passions, beliefs etcetera. Do you really want your future spouse to have tried “finding a compatible partner” by having many different sex partners? No, you don’t. So, sex is not really the relationship, get your bearing right.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

He uses his toe to caress my cl!toris

My husband has a toenail fungus infection. For some time now, we have been engaging in some rare sexual positions. In this position, he would use his toe to caress my cl!toris and caress my vaginal instead of his hands. But ever since then I have been experiencing some unusual embarrassing itching even in the public. What can I do?

Joyce Aaron

Nail fungus, is a condition that occurs when fungus enters either a fingernail or toenail. Nail fungus is not only caused by poor hygiene. However, fungus grows in a warm, wet place and can be spread from person to person. The itching you are experiencing may be as a result of the toenail infection. Antifungal cream will take care of the itching but it may be a wise thing for such sexual position to be avoided if the toenail infection is not well treated because toenail infections are more difficult to treat than fingernail infections. This is because the toenail grows more slowly. In addition, a damp, warm environment of a shoe or boot can encourage fungal growth.

She has certain fears of sex, and many inhibitions

My wife and I have been married for six months, and she has not yet had an orgasm. She has certain fears of sex, and many inhibitions. There are distinct boundaries that are never crossed. I do not blame her, but she blames herself. What can we do to help things get better?

Benjamin Chibuke

Early adjustment problems are not at all unusual and since sexual development is such a private experience, there can be many reasons for the difficulty. Some can be related to early restrictive teachings that presented sex as dirty. Many women were never given the message that marital sex is a God-given gift meant for our pleasure.

Another common cause is a woman’s need for her own emotional control and her related feelings of anxiety as erotic stimulation increases. The intensity of pre-orgasmic excitation can seem threatening for a woman who has learned to stay in control of her feelings.

In addition, guilt related to sexual fantasies or premarital experiences can create barriers to full sexual enjoyment. Of course, early sexual abuse can stimulate fearful associations. Then sometimes, worrying about having an orgasm can inhibit a woman’s response. If your wife is preoccupied with orgasm, she may become too much of a “spectator.” Sometimes an orgasm comes more easily when a woman stops striving for one. It is also important to look at your sensitivity as a sexual partner.

I am frustrated by our sex life

I love my wife dearly, but I am frustrated by our sex life. It is good, once we get going, but I always have to initiate it. Even then, I get rejected a lot because my wife has so many excuses; if not that she needs ten hours of sleep, she needs to finish the ironing, or she wants to finish the school work. I cannot figure out why sex is such a low priority for her.

Timothy King

Life is not fair in lots of ways, and the difference in men and women’s sex drives is one of them. However, I will pass along a few insights that have helped me.

First, your wife is a normal woman. I have counselled more than a thousand couples, and out of that number, I can only recall 10 to 20 in which the wife had a greater sexual appetite than her husband. Therefore, I have tried to tell most husbands to accept that reality and adjust to it.

Part of that adjustment is to understand that our sexual prowess may not always be on the line. In marriages, most husbands think that their wives would be more interested in sex. Husbands imagine their wives desiring their bodies so intensely that they would vamp them at every opportunity. Eventually, they realised their wives’ lack of interest is primarily biological. That knowledge always helps them to adjust. These help them to minimise the frustrations caused by the differences in several ways.

Accept that your sex drive should help to take the initiative (even if it is all the time). Then try to find creative ways to awaken your beloved’s passion. Lastly both of you should agree that your sexual play is beneficial to your marriage. Therefore, try to maximise your relationship outside the bedroom, increasing the chances that sex will follow as a natural expression of your love.