Password - Season 1 - Episode 24

Episode 5 years ago

Password - Season 1 - Episode 24

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Episode Title: The Wrong Kind Of Mad
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They are taken to the shed where Mallam Busanga and his attendant are waiting.
Mallam Busanga pops some seeds into his mouth and chews slowly, and then he lifts a black calabash and spits a dirty brown liquid into it.

He then sits back and looks at them sombrely with his rheumy eyes. He speaks to his attendant slowly.

The attendant listens, and then a huge grin splits his face as he looks at Kofi with gloating disdain.

ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! You welcom agin. Ah, hm, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say yew fooooool biiiiiig!


ATO
(stunned, angry)
What? What did you say? What the f--k’s the matter with you?


KOFI
(scared)
Take it easy, Ato. Let’s listen. Please, why is Mallam saying we’re big fools?

The Mallam speaks for a few minutes again, and once more a huge grin splits the attendant’s face.


ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say he tell yew to go f--k f--k mad womin! Tor, tor, tor, to go puuuut penisa for vaginant of mad womin but yew deeednt!


KOFI
(tearful)
Oh, but I did! I did it just this dawn! I dipped my penis into a mad woman’s thing, just as he instructed. I put the medicine on it and swallowed some and then I dipped into her v---a for a minute, just like he said!

The attendant whispers to the Mallam.

Ato draws near to Kofi and whispers to him.



ATO
S--t! This guy must be fake, motherfu-Cker! What the f--k is the meaning of this, huh?

The attendant looks at them.



ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin yew f--k f--k is not mad womin!

ATO
(exploding)
What do you mean by she is not a mad woman? She was a mad woman!



ATTENDANT
Tor! Tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin yew f--k f--k is white peoples mad womin! He deeednt tell yew to go and f--k f--k mad womin from some mad house! Tor, tor, tor! That mad womin is in hospeetal, takeen white mans medicines and she is jes not mad womin!


ATO
(angry)
What the f--k are you talking about now?


KOFI
(horrified)
He means the woman is in an asylum receiving treatment, bro!


ATTENDANT
(elated)
Yays! Yays! Tooooooor! Na that womin not mad womin! When Mallam Busanga say f--k f--k mad womin, he meansa mad womin from street, ahaaaa! Vely vely vely mad womin who eat bola and rubbish and s--t theens, steeenkeen vely steeenkeen mad womin weeth very bushy and bad steenkeen vaginant! That is mad womin! The womin yew go f--k f--k is not mad womin, no, no, no, no! Mad womin is the one crazy in street shouteen kohaaa, kohaaa, kohaaa! Toooor, that is mad womin!


KOFI
(shattered, bitterly)
Oh, Lord, oh Lord! They’re saying the woman from the asylum is not a mad woman! They wanted me to take a stinking, really mad woman on the street and dip my penis in her! A crazy mad woman in the streets, not one from the asylum!


ATO
(furious)
What’s the difference? Mad is mad! So are they saying all that we did means nothing?


ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor, tooooor! Yew waste your forkeeeen time! Kai! So yew not know mad womin? Many nakid and derty, mad womin on the streeta and yew go for white-man mad womin? Yew foooool!!

Kofi and Ato look at each other with abject misery!

It has all been for nothing?

They have wasted their time?

He has been cut by Baluu for nothing?

He should have taken a mad woman on the street and not one from the asylum?


KOFI
Oh, crap! This is not fair, Busanga! This is not fair at all!

ATO
(furiously)
But why didn’t you tell us we need a mad woman from the street and not one from an asylum? You f-----g deceivers! You should’ve been more specific! Do you know what we went through to have that woman, how much we spent? What the f--k is this s--t?


ATTENDANT
Yew fooooool! Mad womin in asyloom is called PATIENT! Mallam Busanga deeednt ask yew to go f--k f--k a PATIENT! Mad womin is mad womin not PATIENT! You go f--k f--k hospiteel patient and you teeenk you f--k f--k mad womin, you fooool!

Ato puts an arm across Kofi’s shoulders as he cries silently, suddenly unable to save his iron control.

Ato is stunned, lost for words for a moment.
This is definitely turning out to be a nightmare.


ATO
(gently)
So what do we do now, Mallam, please?

The Mallam speaks to the attendant quickly.


ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin who put curse on the mans penisa is in hospiteel now now!

Kofi looks up with sudden shock.

KOFI
(stunned)
How did you know Sajili is in hospital? Yes, she called me and said she’s in hospital.

ATTENDANT
Yays, yays! Mallam Busanga, he see everytin and know everytin! Mallam Busanga, he say only thing left to do now is to put your penisa into the vaginant of this woman! Mallam Busanga, he say you shoulda put the mediciiin on your penisa and drink some again and then dip it into the vaginant of the woman!

KOFI
Dip into Sajili? But she won’t allow me!
The attendant speaks for a moment with the mallam.

He then turns and faces them.


ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say the womin is deed now!

KOFI
(hoarsely)
What? What woman, Sajili? She is deed? What deed?


ATTENDANT
Deed, deed, deed! Ghosta deed!

And then it sinks in with terrible numbness.


ATO
Oh, Jesus!


KOFI
(almost passing out)
You mean dead? Sajili is dead? No, no, no, no! Please, please, master Busanga, please no! She can’t die! Please do something, please!


ATTENDANT
No, no, no! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin is deed! When Mallam Busanga say she is deed, then she is deed!


KOFI
(shouting)
No! She can’t die! Why, oh why? She’s a strong woman! There was no sign that she was sick or she wasn’t feeling well! She must be on admission, but not dead! She can’t be dead!


ATTENDANT
(angrily)
Are you deeef? You must be deeef! The womin is deeeeeed!!


ATO
(shocked)
Calm down, Kofi! Please calm down. Hey, please, so what happens right now that you’re saying the woman is dead? Does it mean the password curse is broken?

The attendant speaks to Mallam Busanga for some time, and then he turns and smiles.


ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say the curse is there, and yew have just three awars to puuuuta penisa into vaginant of deed womin or you be impotint foreva la!


ATO
Oh, no! You mean Kofi has just three hours to dip his penis into the dead Sajili, if indeed she is dead? And if he doesn’t Kofi will be impotent for life?


ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! She is deed! If Mallam Busanga say she is deed, then she is deed! And the bad curse she put on this man will continue forever if this man deeednt puuuta his penisa into her vaginant in three awars!


KOFI
(perplexed, horrified)
But that’s impossible! That’s terrible! Mad woman, fine, God knows that was bad enough! But how can I put my d--n d--k inside a dead woman? What is this? By now she will be in the mortuary! Please, please, please, don’t do this! I beg of you, Mallam, please do something about it! First bodamfo twe, now India funu twe! Oh, oh, dear, Lord!!

Mallam Busanga shakes his head sadly, and then reaches for the calabash and spits into it again.

He speaks softly, and the attendant turns to Kofi and speaks elatedly.