Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

The D-day finally came, the so much publicised and talked about mr and mrs freshers pageantry was taking place in a few hours time. Vivian was with philip through out, there were practicing some questions. She was virtually following him everywhere he went. Philip had to bolt the door properly when he visited the toilet else vivian would have followed him.

Musa and i were just watching like zombies while philip and vivian were preparing.

Atleast vivian would be left for me after the pageantry or so i thought.

We all prepared and the cab we had hired came and picked us to the venue. Musa didn’t want to go at first but when i told him there would be enough food, he was the first to take his bath.

All roads led to benco hotel, the venue of the pageantry. We reached the venue at about 7:45pm, the time of the event was 8:00pm till mama calls you. We showed our tickets to the huge bouncers, vivian had sponsored that aspect. Benco hotel conference hall was filled to the brim and more people where still coming.
Naso year one like social gathering? I whispered to musa.

“no mind them, dem never see their G.P na, make them flex first.” musa replied.

According to research, the people you see with fancy clothes, the people you see ‘bouncing’ and the people you see mostly in social gatherings are all year one students. Reason being that, they haven’t seen their results so they dont know how it feels to have a carry over or a G.P that cant even flash mtn to mtn.

The hall was lively, students could be seen in groups. Well, not all could be called students. We all know nigerians and how they loved occasions, as long as it is rumored that they would be enough food.

The DJ was playing a song by zule-zoo, i was wondering what he drank before he came for the show.

“The man just the do kelewawa kelewa kewa kelewawa”

Those where the lyrics of zule-zoo’s hit track “kelewa” . I wonder how that song had managed to bring those two boys to the limelight. Somepeople where saying that the boys where members of illuminati, nothing wey we no go hear o.

DJ dem tell you say we come for kwaghir? Someone shouted from the crowd.

N.B:kwaghir is a kind of dance by the tiv people of benue state.

The dj got the mood of the hall and changed the music to “Go below” by od woods.
Some guys got up to dance, some where just nodding their heads like agama lizard, musa was busy smiling like a roasted goat.

Guy why you the happy na? I asked musa.

You no see that guy dressing? He replied my question with a question, pointing somewhere.

I traced the direction of the hand and i saw a guy that was wearing a red coat(not suit o) and a red hat, with walking stick.He was looking like kanayo .o. Kanayo in all those nollywood cult movies.

Mumu, so na wetin make you the laugh be that? I asked musa

“Look the face well well” he replied.

I zoomed the face, it was chris the wole soyinka of uam. Chai!!!! “Oboy this place go sweet today o” i exclaimed.

Chris was a contestant. I Wonder what he was thinking before he bought that form, he could have used that money to sponsor candidates like me.

Oboy that guy no the shame o, na my father mate him be and e still the follow small boys drag for mr.fresher.

Truth be told, the first time i saw chris in a lecture hall, i thought he was a lecturer.

Philip and vivian had left us immediately we entered the hall, there went behind the stage where the contestants where dressing and getting set for the show proper.


“Can i have your attention ladies and gentlemen” someone was on the mic. He was well dressed, with his suit and fine leather shoes.

My name is “man wey get belle” i’m a comedian and am going to be your master of ceremony for today.

“Oboy so na man wey get belle be dis? Him short o” musa said.

As you all know, we are here to see who is the most swagalicious and correctest guy and girl in 100level, university of agriculture makurdi.

Man wey get belle kept blabbing and cracking dry jokes at regular intervals. His jokes where very dry. Trust uam boys na, nobody even smiled. It was getting out of hand and i wanted to give the guy a little encouragement so i promised myself to laugh at his next joke whether funny or not.
Una know why i no fine? He asked the crowd, some people just managed to mumble some words with closed teeth.

I been fine o, na when i do my fine boy reach soldierman place naim him spoil my face. I go the run soldier man wife. Soldier man beat me finish i enter zoo monkey ma dey close eye.

I remembered my escapade with a soldierman. I gave out a huge laugh hahahaha. The whole auditorium was mute. I looked odd.

“Guy wetin na, u drink lizard piss before you come here?” the mc asked. The whole crowd erupted in laughter.

So na me wey wan help you naim you fall my hand? I asked myself. No worry, you go see something, i promised.

“Maybe him dey remember as soldier beat am ma” a guy added insult to my injury. The crowd was still laughing when someone tapped me.

Is this seat taken? Someone brought me back from my thoughts, it was Amaka.

We always try to avoid troubles at all cost but somehow, trouble always springs up. That was my case, Amaka was my trouble and she keeps following me as if i had been bugged.


Has this seat been taken? Amaka asked.
I wanted to tell her the seat had been taken but musa quickly told her it hadn’t. I gave musa this kinda look that could make you give your life to christ.


He understood and just grinned.

“Hope you are enjoying the show” Amaka asked.

I wasn’t enjoying the show, all thanks to that silly MC but i just had to play along.

“Am enjoying every moment of it” i replied her.

Do you know you would have been part of the contest? She asked another question.

Musa was busy concentrating on the show that he even forgot i was there.

“Oh yea! I would have been part of the contest no thanks to you.” i replied her.

At this point, a benue based musician was performing and the crowd was feeling the boy.
He was one of the several talents from benue(no gain saying benue is the talent basket of the nation *winks*)

“I gave you #2000 and you were scared to pick it up” Amaka continued her conversation. Dem send dis girl? Others where enjoying what they paid for and she was boring me with her talks.

Amaka please i dont want to talk about this, if you dont have anything else to say please just keep mute and allow me to enjoy my money. I was getting irritated, i needed to show her.

“Of course i have something else to say” she said searching her bag.

She brough out her phone and plugged an ear Piece and gave it to me to listen.

What is this? I asked
Just listen to it yourself.

I looked at the phone and there was no botton, i didn’t know what to press so i gave her back her phone “Am not in the mood for your games, take your phone.” i gave her back her phone.

As if she read my mind, she just clicked somewhere and light miraculously appered(kai oyibo too much). I collected it and saw an icon boldly written ‘PLAY’ i tapped it with my shaking finger. A recording started playing;
“kelvin hope you still remember my house?”

“Amaka, how can i ever forget your house? Do you think i can ever forget what happened the day i visited?” the recording stopped, that was the conversation we had at the eatery. I wanted to quickly delete it but i didn’t know what to press.

Don’t bother trying to delete it kelvin, i have another copy, i think there is something else you would like to see. She collected her phone and tapped the screen, a picture appeared. I me hugging her very tight. poo, the girl had even planted a cameraman in the eatery to snap me, chai!! I don die.

“My first set of evidence weren’t convincing enought so i had to look for new ones. We will be in touch”[ she said and got up. She blew me an imaginary kiss and left.

“Now is the time for the traditional dance by the contestant” the MC announced.

The contestant all came out with their traditional attire, everybody was dancing his or her cultural dance, philip was twisting his body like a snake. He was trying to dance The tiv cultural dance. All other contestant where also dancing theirs. After the traditional dance, a comedian came and trilled the crowd. The contestants where then ushered in to show their ‘casual wears’.

There all came out and showed their swag, nothing spectacular, just some wizkid kinda clothes.

I wasn’t feeling the show, Amaka killed my mood.

After the fashion parade, there started asking them questions. The first round of questions where cheap, only chris failed his. He was asked the president of nigeria and he said Goodluck suswam. The second round of questions more tactical philip and two other guys got theirs, chris failed his. Who is the vice chancellor of uam? Maybe he was used to hearing VC and didn’t know what vice chancellor meant. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

Can someone tell us the answer from the crowd? The MC asked.

Wait o, na children birthday we dey? I asked musa.

Ehen my friend tell us, the MC pointed at me.
I got up confidently and collected the mic then my brain switched off.

I tried to remember but i couldn’t, i stylishly kicked musa. Guy na Emmanuel kucha na, musa gave me expo. I quickly shouted the answer feeling like a bright student. Only people sitting close to me knew what happened.

After the question segment, we were trilled to more performance by artists while the judges where compiling the results.

After the performance, the judges gave the results to the mc. They were 8 contestant for mr.fresher and 6 for miss fresher. He called the Third and second positions for both mr and miss fresher, philip’s name wasn’t mentioned. All the contestants remaining did equally well except chris.

Dis year mr and miss fresher goes to. To…. To….
I was already urinating on my trouser.
I say the winner of this pagaentry is… Is..
The crowd were shouting.

No, you people are not hearing me, mr and miss fresher for this year goes to.. To…to…

We are going for a short break, when we come back, we shall announce it. Clap your hands as we usher in the igede cultural dancers.

Wheeeeew… That was close i thought.