Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Sometimes we claim to be ‘strong men’ just because we haven’t been tested but when the slightest of tests comes, we fail woefully.

Musa was the self aclaimed strong man, the king of mischief, the rock in the mist of stones. Those were his titles, but this was the real time to prove that his titles were not just mere fuss.

A huge guy came out of the car and placed a gun on the head of our driver. My trouser was already wet, it was a sort of miracle because i coudn’t remember when i urinated. I turned in suprise to see that the urine was coming from musa’s pipe.

“Chai!!! I don die be dat na, musa wey i dey put hope for ma dey fear” i tought inwardly
Which of una be Mr.Fresher? The guy asked

“No be me o, see am there” the driver pointed at philip.

“Who? No be me o, we just the come back from night vigil o” philip denied his crown.

A hot slap landed on his face, that kinda slap that could make you forget your name.

“them tell you say na play i dey play here?” the guy asked.

“Sorry sir, na me be mr.fresher” philip confessed.

The car could be seen vibrating. Forced vibration was in practise. Vivian and musa were shivering at the same frequency which made the whole car to be vibrating.

I was mute and calm, anybody seeing me would think i was not afraid but the truth is that i was busy releasing hot tornado, but based on say i never even chop, my tornado wasnt creating the desired effect.


Oya make all of una come down from this motor, the guy shouted.


Imagine four guys scared Of one guy just because of one metal.

I wanted to practise what i usually watch in movies when someone would kick a gun out of the hands of his captor but i changed my mind when i saw another guy coming out of their car.
But thank God i didn’t even try it, what guarantee did i have that my friends wont freeze when i kick the gun? And if it so happens that way, na first class ticket to heaven be dat o.


“Oga abeg na, i no go ever win Mr.fresher for my life again” philip started begging.

Kpoooaaaaa! A slap landed on his face.

“you too dey talk” the second guy shouted.

I started thanking my stars that i had been quiet all this while, or rather my mouth had been shut because my a:ss kept doing the talking.

Kpoaaa, a resounding slap landed on my face. E dey do me like kpako dey play for my head; have you heard that iceprince track in his fire of zamani album? Am sure he received a slap before he sang that song.

“Why you no dey talk? You no get mouth?” the second guy asked.

See me see wahala o, philip dey talk dat one na problem, me wey i no dey talk ma na still problem
“Oya make una lie down flat” the leader commanded

The way we rushed to lie down you would think we where been paid to lie down.

What could they be looking for? Definitely, it wasn’t an assasination mission. If it was, they would have killed the person and flee the area.
No car passed that road again, i started wondering how they got the news of the robbery attack. Was it really a robbery attack? If it was, then They would be highly disapointed at the content of our pockets. Well, it would be safe to speak only for myself because i dont know the weight of vivian’s pockets. Talking about vivian, she was already crying. Not that i could see tears(it was dark) but anyone dat grew up in the same house with my father should know the smell of tears.

“Mr.fresher, where the price wey them give you?” the second guy whom i presumed to be their leader asked. Since he came down from the car, the second guy had been doing all the talking and slapping.

“Oga them never give me anything o” philip replied him.”

We don die be that o” i whispered to musa.

I was already thinking of the newspaper headlines; “FOUR BOYS AND ONE GIRL FOUND DEAD IN THE BUSH.”

The first guy kick philip so hard i could swear he lost a tooth.

“Dem tell you say na play we dey play”
Chairmen i swear, dem say make i go our student affairs department go collect am,if i collect am i go carry am come give you” philip spoke out of fear.

“Capo, its like this boys think say we the play o, make we waste one na” the first guy spoke.

So na even cultists sef? I thought.

Weeew weeew weeew, we started hearing siren. The boys didn’t even bid us farewell, they just ran into their already moving car and fled the scene.

The joint task force in benue(operation zenda) where on patrol. They quickly reached our side and jumped out of their hilux van
“If you move i shoot” they shouted
I raised my head and saw them pointing the gun at us.

“I say if you move i shoot” the policeman shouted. Me that was once calm started shivering. It is no longer news that i fear police more than thief.

I started fearing police when they arrested me for sitting in front of my house in the afternoon.
According to them, i was a terrorist surveying the area. They quickly bundled me to the station with handcuffs on my hands. On entering the station, the first thing i saw was “POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND”. I wonder which kind of friend would arrest me just for sitting in front of my house. Few hours later, the press came to visit the station and i was dragged outside and made to sit on the floor without shirts. Kai, see as that fine press woman just the look my dry chest. Well, that wasn’t my focus. My focus was on the DPO who was reading my crimes to the pressmen. According to him, i was a hardened criminal who had been terrorising makurdi and its environs, i was in the gang that kidnaped a certain rich businessman. According to the DPO, kidnapping and armedrobbery were no more lucrative to me so i decided to join bokoharam. My first mission was to survey the state for possible terrorist attack but it was during my survellance that i was apprehended. He even went ahead to say there was a serious gun battle between me and his boys and that i only surrendered when i ran out of bullets. AK-47s, C4s, some charms, and IEDs where placed in front of me as the weapons recovered. I wanted to talk but when i remembered the beating i had recieved, i decided to shut up. Me that was scared of even knockout was now accused of being in possesion of explosives.

I was released 1week later when my dad bailed me. I wonder why an accused terrorist would be bailed. I went home to find our room empty, my dad had sold everything to be able to bail me. The only thing remaining was my dad’s favourite don moen’s collections. I wonder where he was going to play it since he had sold everything. That was my second encouter with police, the frist was when i was caught playing pes. I was arrested on grounds of gambling.
Since my two encounters with police, i concluded that police should be feared more than armed robbers.

“You dey move ba? I go shoot your small head o” a policeman shouted at philip who had vibrated like nokia 3310 until he was lying ontop of vivian. I dont know if he did it purposely.

“Oga, i tell you say na Molest this four boys gather the Molest this girl, you no see as them been lie down for road?” another policeman spoke to the leader of the patrol.

“Please sir, it wasn’t Molest o, we were just returning from a show” vivian spoke.

“shut up!!!! Who tell you to talk?” the leader shouted at vivian. She kept quiet immediately.

“You are all under arrest for Molest” the man shouted at us.

But you can bail yourselves with #10,000, if you reach the station, it would be increased to #20,000.

E don red be that na, how we one take get #10,000?” i thought to myself.
“Officer please dont arrest us, i have #2,000 here” vivian spoke.

“Good, officer release the girl and let the remaining boys follow us” the leader spoke.

“Sir please, the money is for all of us” vivian pleaded.

“You dey mad? I say #10,000” the leader spoke with anger.

“Okay sir, i will pay #3,000” vivian started bargaining. Was this not the ajebo vivian?
I wanted to laugh but that would be digging my own grave.

“You think say na pepper we dey sell here?” one dry policeman asked a question that made the policemen laugh. Police ma dey laugh? I asked myself.

“carry dey boys make we dey go joor” the leader commanded.

We were dragged towards the van.

“sir please take #5000, it’s all i have”
The man stopped and turned back as if weighing his options.

“Oya officer collect the money make you release them” he spoke.

The policemen collected the money and commanded us to run home. We ran towards the car and were about to enter when the leader shouted, “na una get that car? Where the particulars?”

“Oga see am here” the driver brought out some papers and handed it to the policemen.
After looking at the papers, the policemen demanded a tip from the driver.

“but oga, we don pay na” the driver replied.

Kpoaaa, a slap landed on his face. “you dey mad?” the policeman asked him.

“Sorry sir” the driver pleaded and handed over some naira notes to them.

“oya make una comot from here” they shouted at us.

The driver quickly started his car and off we went. What a night!!!!

“How was your night” vivian asked philip the next day immediately we woke up. We had all slept at philip’s place, vivian said it was to late to go to her house.

“My night was splendid” philip replied.

I gave him dis ‘God punish you’ look.

“Guy you sure say you know the meaning of that word so” i asked him. How can a night we almost got killed be splendid?

“It was spendid for him na, remember he won the mr.fresher yesternight” vivian rose to his support.

“why una dey make noise na?” musa spoke directly to my face.

Basketmouth once said he prefered fart to bad breathe, i couldn’t help but agree with him after musa spoke.

Instead of the boy to pity me, he continued his talk. “una know say person no sleep trough out yesterday una no go still allow person sleep”

I made to stand up before someone kills me but musa grabbed me.

“i dey talk to you, you dey go?”

I quickly withdrew my hands from his grab and went outside.

I went straight to my house, mike was brushing when i came into the compound.

“mikey watsup na?” i greeted him immediately i came into the compound.

He just looked at me and hissed.

Them no dey pay me when person answer my greeting na.

I went into my room it was a mess, i quickly arranged it and went to the bathroom to take my bath.

I tied my towel around my waist like 4kizo and bounced to the bathroom with my bucket of water.

Like i said before, my bathroom was half zinc, half palm frond and it ended on my waist level.
I went in and used my towel to cover the Entrance. I started taking my bath. The cool morning breeze was caressing my body. The feeling i derived was out of this world, i was feeling like a king receiving fresh air from his servants. Applying lather to all parts of my body with my eyes closed, i started singing fela’s song. “water, e no get enemy.”

After rinsing my body with water, i opened my eyes to discover that my towel had been removed.

My smile changed to frown. I scanned the whole compound and nobody was outside, my towel was also nowhere to be found. This wasn’t just the work of a wind, it was the handiwork of someone.

My suspect was Mike. I surveyed the environment once more, the coast was clear. I stepped out of the bathroom with my hands covering the nessesary areas, i was about reaching my room when mike came out.

“Make una come see o, kelvin don the mad o” he shouted.

I quickly ran into my room before the amebo loving people of uam would come out.
Mike started laughing, i had important things to do so he was the least of my worries. I quickly dressed up and left for lectures.

“you better keep my towel for me before i come back o” i told mike and left.
******************************
The journey to class was a smooth one. Unlike other days, i was actually taking a cab to class today thanks to philip. His levels had really changed even though he hasn’t received his prize. Vivian was really spending her cash on him.
The class was already filled when we came in but there was no lecturer. All eyes where On us. Am sure even tupac didn’t get dis kind of attention before he sang ‘all eyes on me’.

Everybody was forming familiarity.
Philip was inviting everybody to his victory party.
I was enjoying the attention while it lasted.
We were now celebrities so we had to act like celebrities.

After inviting people to the victory party, philip said we should go home so we went and started preparing for the party. I had my own plans.