Must Read: Confessions Of A Randy Houseboy

7 years ago

Must Read: Confessions Of A Randy Houseboy

At the station the Prophet alleges I assaulted him. He shows his
wounds and after taking my statement I am thrown in the cell!

My statement even to myself is not clear. I do not want to
implicate myself further. I am even afraid to drag madam into the
issue. If it comes to credibility I know noone would believe me.

so I decide to just keep quiet. I have never been in a cell befopre
and the first thing that hits me is the overpowering smell urine.

Its is so dark I can barely see. I can only make out some figures
in the dark. Just then a slap lands on my cheecks and I cower
against the wall in terror. It is the cell president, a thickset , evil
looking , shaggy bandit. He smiles at me and says,
”My name na Acidwater, I be presido here, no worry I go take
care of you here fineboy. U no go sleep ground , you go sleep
this mat with me, then for night I go mess your nyash!

I start shivering with fright , It seems like a particularly
harrowing nightmare.

”Oh God ”, I whispher to myself, ”Oh God!”
True to his word ”that evening Acidwater spreads a tattered mat
and beckons on me to come and lay down next to him! I can see
he has na Attention.

”Oya close your eyes and face the wall!” he shouts at the rest.

By now my legs are shaking and I could not even walk towards
him even if I wanted to. My legs have turned to jelly. Just as I
think I will pass out a policeman appears at the cell bawling,

”Okon Bassey! Okon Bassey!

”Sir!!!”
”Come out! Your madam has come to bail you.” He opens the
cell door and I dart out panting with relief. Phew! What a close
shave!

I stagger to the counter and there is Madam looking like an angel
signing my bail bond. She pays 10k and I am set free. At that
point I can worship Madam. We get into the car and as she
drives I gaze at her and my heart swells with love for madam. I
study her profile as she drives, she looks like some sort of s*x
goddess, unbelievably beautiful and wicked, but I love her. Just
then she turns to me stares at me for a few seconds then very
matter of factly she says,
”I came to get you out because my husband has travelled and
Etim is dying.”

”What is wrong with him!?!” I gasp, I dread the very answer I
expect, as much as I dread it Is as much as I expect it. But
thankfully she does not answer, instead she looks at me and that
look is more than a thousand words or a millilion indictments.

By now all my romantic visions have evaporated into the cool
evening air but I am sweating profusely as she speed towards
the house.Now I know madam is a devil from the depths of hell
sent to torment me It is like I am suffocating.
”Stop!” I gasp, ”Please stop, , I feel like throwing up.”
Madam laughs sarcastically,
”Good trick, I should stop so that you can jump into the bush and
dissapear leaving me to carry the can like you wanted to this
morning. Throw up there!

I cannot hold it anymore, I double over and vomit on the car mat,
retching only green bile, repeatedly painfully.