Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Gimme the lighter, gimme the kush, give me the bad man thing, gimme the kpush… Gimme that thing that will blow my mind.

Remember that iceprince’s track in which he featured olamide, burnaboy and yung L? That was the exact track that was playing in my head at that moment. I was wondering if my head had an inbuilt mp3 player.

Why were my parents always warning me against smoking? Why was my pastor always preaching against smoking? Why was everybody speaking about smoking as if it was a burden?
Well, mine wasn’t a burden. Mine was a blessing. All my problems where gone, thanks to my kpush. Kai… Moses you are my best friend, in fact i love you more than myself. Just see how my faded clothes had miraculously turned into paul smith( i was seeing my singlet and boxers as a pair of Paul smith designers). Oboy see my supra!!! Now i know what LG was always talking about when they say “Life is good”.

My ‘New best friend’ moses was hailing me.

Fine boy! Mr.fresher! Man wey sabi!
I was feeling fly. Walking gently as if i was advertising Aloe vera.

I passed near a mirror and saw my hair. Which kind mumu hair be this na? I be pastor? Abeg make i scatter my dada joor. I was looking like daddy showky.

Somepeople where looking at me but who send them? Na today be the first time wey dem see fine boy?

I was going my own jejely o, when something caught my attention.

NB: jejely means gently or minding my own business.

A car was moving very fast towards my direction.

Why this car go the Misbehave na? Was the driver a drunkard? Or didn’t he know that he was going to sustain serious injuries if his car hit me?
I felt my body was made of steel, the driver must be mad if he thinks am going to leave the road for him.

I walked directly towards the direction of the car while the car was also coming towards me.
The driver saw me in time and applied the brakes.

Skrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

The car came to a halt just few inches in front of me. It was just like in the movies.

You for no stop na mumu, i screamed. A guy came out of the car, he was just small and thin.

I dont know if it was the effect of the igbo that made me see him that way but all i could see was a small boy.

Why you go the drive like this? Na you get the road? I was talking to the boy and he was moving close to me.

This guy no the fear o, him know who i be?
I landed a hot slap on his face.

The guy replied my slap with a slap but his slap was from another planet. If that mechanic boy’s slap was hot then this one was red hot.

I wasn’t going to fall my hand, as the crowd where already gathering.

I sent another slap. This time the guy had attemted to dodge but i had already calculated the slap so it landed perfectly on his cheeks.

I was enjoying my new found strenght, igbo you too much.

The boy went straight to his car and was looking for something.

Wetin that mumu the find? I asked my igbo.
Guy chilax, even if him commot gun sef i dey your back, my igbo encouraged me.

That was all the Encouragement i needed.

I stood and waited for his next move as he removed his whip from the car.


So na even teacher sef? I thought. The passenger sit oppened and this time i knew i was in for it. Another small boy came out of the car.

Oya start do frog jump, the guy commanded.

How this guy expect me to fall my hand for this crowd? Him the crase o.

A huge uppercut landed on my stomach. Even the warms in my stomach felt it as they started scrambling for where to hide.

Two slaps landed on both sides of my cheek followed by whipping and kicking. This time, the effect of the igbo cleared and i saw two hefty men beating the hell out of me. No be this small small boys wey i see now now be this?

The beating was unbearable. Just before i passed out, my eyes caught a sticker on their car clearly written “NIGERIAN DEFENCE ACADEMY”.

Chai, igbo na bas:tard
I woke up to find myself in a white place. The bedsheet was white, the curtains where white, i was even putting on white.

Chai!! Naso i carry come heaven? Upon all my sins, God thank you o. A lady came into the room wearing white, she looked just like Mary.
Mary is that you? I asked

How did you know my name? The Lady asked with a cute smile.

Just relax, you need to rest, the lady advised when i wanted to sit up. You are in the hospital. So na nurse sef. Wey i don the see myself for heaven finish.

You see, you sustained a very serious injury, u had fractured ribs, hemorrhage and few other things.

Jesus!!! Abeg nurse just carry knife kill me. How i wan take survive with dis kind names? She laughed and told me that the federal medical centre had the facilities to make sure i got well.

Federal medical center? I asked in suprise.

Yes, you were transfered from your school clinic but dont worry, your school will take care of the bill, its part of the students health insurance scheme. Wow, for the second time i was proud of being a Nigerian. The first time was when my dad went for peacekeeping in Liberia. I went to him one day and i saw the way Liberian ladies where struggling to talk to Nigerians. I was proud of my country. Now this students health insurance scheme has just given me another reason to be proud of my country.

How would i have paid my bills if not for the scheme? My parents would need to use my siblings for ritual to raise that kind of money.
Just sleep, when you wake the doctor will see you.

Which sleep this nurse the talk about na? I have been sleeping since yesterday evening that i was brought to the hospital and she still wanted me to sleep. Well, to avoid sleeping injection i had to comply. But soldier wicked o. I made a promise to become a soldierman after my university

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It was afternoon and visitors where flooding my hospital room. My coursemate had come in group, my friends even moses the cause of my problem came to visit me. There all came with funny gifts. Some came with flowers and cards(like say na oyibo film), others brought soap(i tell them say i no the bath?), others where bringing detergents(abi i no the wash my cloth?) the most annoying one was when a guy brought toothpaste( my mouth the smell?)
But in all these things i was feeling loved for the first time in my life. Everybody was visiting me.

Even my village people sent their representative; an owl that had been hooting through out the night.

I began wondering why they had waited for me to be beaten by soldiermen before they began showing their love.


Musa and philip came, and as expected they started gisting me.

According to them the rumours in school was that i had snatched a girl from the guy despite his money. That made him angry so he came with his thugs to beat me up.

I narrated the original version to them and that made them laugh like mad men. Kelvin wetin carry you go smoke na? You don forget wetin happen to sunday?

Sunday Was a guy who had once smoked and went home, only for him to tell the father to help him carry their house.

Musa and philip made me to laugh without considering the fact that i had already lost my ribs.

It was fun being around them. I have very few friends but i had true friends(if any of una dey read dis thing make una head no big o).

I was still in my thinking mood when i started hearing shouts from outside. Two people were quarelling.

I listened carefully and i recognised the voices.

It was cynthia and Amaka.