Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Hospital is a place where people with different medical conditions are treated. Some of them sensitive to noise. The ideal hospital therefore, has to be noise proof. Unfortunately, that is not the case in Nigerian hospitals. It is only in Nigerian hospitals that you find Nurses gossiping about the doctor when on duty. It is also only in Nigerian hospitals that you will find the doctor shouting at the nurses or a relative of a patient quarelling the doctor over the death of their relative.Meanwhile, a hypertensive patient is in that same hospital. It wouldn’t be a thing of suprise if one of these days, we hear of a robbery attack on a hospital. Let me not bore you with hospital talks, thats how i always talk when frustrated, shout out to ASUU the source of my frustration.

When i heard the shouting, i thought it was a “YABALEFT” candidate so when i heard Cynthia’s voice, i was suprised but when i heard Amaka’s voice, i was scared. Could it be that Amaka told Cynthia about my visit? But even at that, is my hospital the ideal place to vent their anger?

I listened carefully to the voices.

Nurse i am telling you that my friend is admitted in this hospital and i want to see him.

I am also telling you that the patient is asleep and would not be disturbed, you can wait till he wakes up.

Oboy why the nurse no wan allow their Cynthia enter na? I asked philip.

Dem no the allow anybody enter o, na based on who we be naim we carry enter o.

I wanted to ask them how but seeing musa by his Side,i knew he must have cracked his fish brain.

Guy doctor don the come, where we go hide na?
Oboy enter under bed, quick quick.

They both scrambled and hid under the bed.

The door opened only for Cynthia and Amaka to enter.

Hi sweetheart, how are you doing? What happened? Cynthia flooded my brain with questions.

Ouch!! Baby, i cant talk my cheek is hurting me.

Truth is, i have a record of crying each time i want to narrate this kind of stories so to avoid “i no tell you?”, i had to keep quite.
Musa and philip where still under the bed, probably they didn’t want Cynthia and Amaka to see them because it would be termed falling of hand. So even though under the bed might not be comfortable, they just had to endure.

Cynthia, i’d like to go for a stroll will you escort me? I asked trying to draw the two girls out of the room so that my friends could come out of their hiding.

No, you are not yet strong you should rest a little bit.

Na wa o, when this girl don turn doctor na? I asked inwardly.

How about getting me pure water? I am very thirsty.

Ok, no problem i’l get you pure water.

Amaka wanted to stay behind but Cynthia insisted that they go together, maybe she didn’t trust her friend. Thank God i was finally going to get rid of them atleast my friends are going to be released from their temporary prison.
Just as the girls where about to open the door, musa’s china phone started ringing under the bed. I wonder why those chinese companies would make bombs and name them Phones.

Kelvin, when did you start using chinese phone? Cynthia asked.

Just then, musa and philip came out of the bed, sweating like guys that just came back from hell fire.

We don see the phone o, na inside that your dirty boxer e dey o. The look on Cynthia’s face was that of suprise.

Musa had this silly smile on his face that made me wanted to slap him.

The silly china phone had just screwed their plans.

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Few days later, i was confirmed well by the doctor and was discharged. The mr.fresher pageantry was just few days away. “I am going to make sure philip wins” Those where my last words before leaving the hospital.
I went back home with the mentality that i would be treated like a king. How wrong i was, our ‘LOVED ONES’ only show love to us when we are faced with life threatening situations.

Reminds me of when i was young, i was always feigning sickness so as to get gifts from my parents. I would lie as if i was struck with a disease from mars. Mummy, sorry MAMA i no go chop dis fufu o, na fried rice and chicken i go chop. My sweet mother would buy me fried rice and chicken that would be eaten only by me. If any of my siblings as much as ‘eyed’ my food, i would start crying. This continued until one of those days i miscalculated. I did it at the time my father was jonzing. Na chicken i go eat o.

“Okay, no problem i go buy am” my father assured me.

Few minutes later my dad came with a black leather. “Let me untie it” he said in a petting tone. I was already salivating, picturing myself devouring my fried rice. All of a sudden, the leather opened and my dad brought out a long horse whip. I sprang up and ran for my life. Legend has it that one stroke of my father’s cane could do wonders. “silly boy, come chop chicken na” my father was shouting but i was already half way out of my street. Since then, my immune system has been cooperating, even if e see real sickness e dey fear to fall sick.

Back to the present, i came back home to the reality that i am still the same kelvin who had been operating on the famous 0-0-1 offensive formation.

There was no food left at home, even my best friend garri had finished. I stared at my room, my hospital Gifts stared back at me; flowers, 2satchets of detergents, 3bars of duck soap and some medicated soaps. Chai!!! Which kind people be dis na? Which kind gifts be dis? Was i going to start eating soaps or flowers? I was furious, my anger tripled. Brothers and sisters, a hungry man is really an angry man. I went to philip’s house to find them yawning like there was a yawning competition i wasn’t aware of. Guys whatsup na, food no dey? I asked the two boys who just looked back at me and hissed.

Na igbo naim dey, philip replied me.

Since my incident with the soldiermen, i made up my mind never to have anything to do with marijuana again. Idiot, go give your father igbo na, i shouted back.

“Its like the beating wey dem give you never do you.” philip replied.

Una dey there the talk mumu thing, instead wey we go talk how we go take get food chop, the food concious musa advised.

But how we go get food chop na? I asked musa.
Mama Nkechi no dey again? Musa asked.

Ever since my problem with mama Nkechi, i have been avoiding her like a plague. I had once seen her coming and i hid inside a gutter. That was how bad my fear for mama Nkechi was.

You get money?

See mumu o,na only money dem dey use buy something? Dey there make mumu dey worry you na. Musa replied.

Guy no tell me say you wan go steal for mama nkechi shop o, i asked the obvious. You don forget say that her mechanic pikin dey house ba?
Na fear go kill you, this thing na something wey i don dey do tey tey no be today. Musa started his never ending talks on his mischivious skills and bravado.

I was so hungry so i had to do anything to satisfy my hunger.

So wetin be the plan na, how we go take do am? I asked my boss.

Your own work no go hard, based on say you no get liver. He started his lectures.

You go stand for road the watch if anybody the come, me and philip go enter inside. I go the show the woman wetin we wan buy then philip go the steal the things.

The plan was perfect, since i wont directly be in the scene of the crime..

When we price finish, i go say i no like the price then we go go. Musa my man!!! I hailed him as we stood up and started moving to our waterloo.
I stood at my post watching out for any intruder.

Wetin you stand there the look? I heard a voice asked. It was the unmistakable voice of that jobless mechanic boy.

Uncle, i swear nothing o, i confessed while running away.

I just pray he doesn’t catch my friends o. I love my friends, i really love them. But am not sure if i’ll recognize them if that macho man catches them.

I ran home without looking back, maybe looking back would turn me into a pillar of salt. The events where playing in my head, but there was only two things involved; either they get caugh or they dont. I was praying for the later.

Even though i would like musa to be caught one of these days, i dont want it to be by mr.macho. I waited for 15minutes and neither musa nor philip came back. I was getting worried, i decided to go and see what the problem was.

On my way to mama Nkechi’s shop, i saw philip running back.

Oboy wetin dey happen na? Dis one wey u dey run like dis. I asked philip
Na God go punish all your family, you just run leave us you no even fit warn us before you run.
“I no run o, na toilet naim worry me o” i lied.

Growing up on the streets could be very tough, you need to adapt to difficult situations. One of those adaptations is for you to learn how to lie.

Thats why most yahoo boys are ghetto children, it comes naturally.


Where Musa na? I asked with all epitome of pity.
I no know wetin happen to am o, as soon as i wan carry something naim i see that huge boy o, na the run wey i run from there naim i never stop till now.

Why was everybody so afraid of that boy? I asked myself. “Dont worry, on a very good day i go treat that guy Bleep up” i promised myself.

“Make we go find musa” i said to philip.

He was suprised at my level of courage. Was this not the same kelvin who couldn’t even warn them because of his fear for mr.macho?

Guy, u sure say no be moses place You the come back from? He asked still suprised.

Wetin that one come mean na? I asked irritatedly.
Nigerians could actually engage on a full conversation with just questions.

No be moses the give you igbo? Philip continued the question and answer segment or is it question and question?

You see me like person wey smoke? I asked mine.
You don forget wetin those two soldiermen do you ba?

This was getting out of hand, my temperature was high, my blood was boiling, my heartbeat increased. How university boys go the fear illiterate i asked myself. Oboy illiterate no dey for strenght o, myself replied me.

Guy, if you no the come tell me o.

“Me i dey go rescue musa” i said, feeling like Jack bauer. He hesitated but when he saw me going, he started following me.

Guy if na die ma i go die today, i told him. I was tired of living in fear because of a certain boy who probably doesn’t know how to spell his name. The source if my determination was also unknown to me, then i remembered the saying that if you push a goat to the wall, the goat would bite. Mr.macho had pushed me to the wall, i was going to push back or betterstill bite.

Guy you know say mr.fresher don dey near ba? I no want anything wey go spoil my image o, philip announced.

“So na your mr.fresher naim important pass our friend ba?” i asked looking suprised.
Guy abeg smile na, if u bone u dey ugly pass, a voice spoke.

We raised our heads up to see musa smilling.
Bastard son of a thousand fathers, how you take escape na? I asked. I knew my friend had many talents but i never new witchcraft was part of it.
His trousers and shirt were stuffed with different materials. We got home and he started remmoving different things from his pockets ranging from peak milk to bread, to indomie noodles.
Oboy u get talent o, i confessed. But how you take do am na?
Dat boy nearly catch me o, naim snake come enter the shop, see as dat old man tear race ba.
Na that time i come get oppurtunity steal all these things before i come kill the snake.

The woman thank me sotay she forget say i come buy something.

Oboy you too much, i congratulated him. We quickly cooked the noodles to be eaten with bread and milk. You dey fear the combination? U never see wey person chop sugarcane with stew?
We were enjoying our meal when we heard a voice outside.

Where those thiefs? I go kill them today.
It was macho.