Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Episode 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy

Whats a car without an engine? Whats a party without the celebrant?

Vivian wasn’t in the party, i wondered why. She was always behind philip through everything, but why wont she be in the party?

“So na so them take kidnap my friend?” I asked myself. I wonder how much ransom would be placed on his head. Am sure his dad would forget about him if the ransom is more than 1k.

“Musa, wetin wetin we go do na?” i asked musa.

“oboy me sef i no know how e go be o” musa replied me.

Musa was clueless, i was frustrated.

The dj was still playing music and everybody was dancing, not knowing our present predicament.

A call came into my phone, it was Amaka, she wanted me to come back and continue what we started.

“are you mad? Do you know whats going on here?” i asked her.

The line went dead. Maybe she ran out of airtime or maybe she ended the call, i didn’t care. I already had enough problem on my hand and i wouldn’t want to compound it.

I wanted to practice what i usually watch in movies. I kicked the wall in frustration, na then i know say film the deceive us. I whimped in pain and sat down quitely.

“Kelvin, who was that on the phone?” cynthia asked.

“just a coursemate who wants me to hang out with him” i lied. She didn’t believe me but i didn’t care. My head was filled, i needed to clear it. Igbo wasn’t an option, unless i want to carry the speakers on my head and start dancing. I started pacing up and down, a strategy i learnt from the internet.

Musa just sat with his face inside his Hands. He looked like the monks in buddhists monastry.
“What were you even doing there?” cynthia continued her questions. I was getting annoyed, somepeople dont just know the right time to ask silly questions.

“i went to urinate” i answered her calmly. I had an ‘A’ in anger management.

“And thats your toilet?” she asked.

“What’s this? A question and answer session?” i raised my voice and stood up.

“I want to satisfy my curiousity, you can call it whatever you like” she raised her voice to match mine.

“Truth be told, me i dont have the strenght to seperate any fight so you guys better calm down o” musa advised.

“With everything going on, you are still asking me silly questions” i replied cynthia, ignoring musa’s comment.

“kelvin so my questions are now silly?” cynthia asked while sobbing.

I understood her pains, i had never used such words on her, i was used to petting her.

She got up and left the room, i ran after her and tried to explain but she just hissed and walked away. I walked back to the room,musa was still in the same position i left him.

“Now am totally screwed!!!” i said and slumped on the bed
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My alarm clock woke me up from sleep i figured out that i’d be very tired after the party and wont wake up on time so i set my alarm clock. I had even slept off and left the party, a great party turned sour just because of one person.
I remembered what hapened last night so i picked up my phone and dialled philip’s number.

The number Failed to connect.

I started feeling guilty, i should have atleast follow him to know where they were taking him to, but the deed has already been done, no need to cry over spilled milk.

I dont know how the party came to an end but i woke up to find the lodg empty.

“Where we go search go today na?” i asked musa.

“no wahala, we go report for school security” musa informed me.

I left musa’s lodge to my compound to take my bathe.

When in the bathroom, i saw a guy walking with only boxers and singlet, he was coming towards me.

I rinse my face to see who it was and i discovered it was philip.

I quickly rinsed my body and walked towards him. He had already branched towards his lodge when i caught up with him.

“guy wetin dem do you? Where dem carry you go?” i flooded him with questions. He didn’t answer he just walked straight to his room and sat on the bed. He ordered for water and after drinking, he spoke.
“Guy capon send me to you” he said.
Philip, my friend was looking like a mad man.

After taking him to the bed to sit, he ordered for water which i hurridly brought. I was eagerly waiting for him to gist me about his night with cultists.

“guy wetin dem do you? Where dem carry you go?” i started asking jamb questions.
“skipo send me to you o” he informed me.

I had no business with the person in question, the night of the mr.fresher was the first time i saw his face so why would he send someone to me?

“Wetin him talk?” i asked anxiously.

“him say, if you like your life make you leave cynthia o” philip informed me. My life was begining to seem like a nollywood script.

Would i join the league of people who had died for love? Romeo and juliet was just mere fantasy, ‘dying for love’ should be left for ramsey noah. As for me(hits chest), kelvin ode,any girl wey dey wait make a catch grenade for her, go old.

I was lost in my toughts, the risk of seeing cynthia was just overwhelming.

“Him serious?” i asked out of frustration.

“no, him no serious, na because you no know wetin them carry me do yesterday naim make you dey talk” philip replied me.

I had already forgotten about his problem and faced mine, but based on my title ‘god of gossip’ i had to hear the story.

“Ehen, wetin happen sef?” i asked.
“as we reach inside bush, naim them tell me make i start do frog jump. Oboy that thing no easy o” he explained.

Last time i saw an elderly person doing frog jump was when i was travelling and a guy trew away saliva at a Soldier checkpoint(real life). Another guy was asked to sweep a federal road just because he finished eating banana and trew it out of the window.

Those are the men with authority, the ‘land lords’. Imagine philip a family man, the mr fresher ‘frog jumping’. That would have been a sight to behold.

“That one no do them o, dem come tell me make i bend make their capon sitdown” philip continued. I didn’t pity him, he didn’t deserve the treatment but if i wasted my ‘pity reserve’ what would i do when i need it? I know i’ll be needing alot of pity in the nearest future.

“those boys get luck, if to say na me, i for scatter them” musa who had been gloating all this while spoke. Philip eyed him and he ran out of the room.

“Wetin come happen to your clothes na? I asked.

“skipo say him no get rag for house again so him go dey use my clothes as rag” philip informed me.

I broke down in laughter, philip who was the celebrant had wore his most expensive clothes, the same clothes vivian bought for him few days before the mr fresher, those where the clothes the ‘number 1citizen on campus’ refered to as rags. If philip’s clothes were termed rags, then what would mine be called? Me that even patch my singlet and boxers. My singlets are specially tailored. Screw lux, screw comfort, my ‘obioma tailor’ is my final bustop for ‘quantity’ singlet. Those kind of singlets that could be used as bed sheets. Those ones that you usually tuck-in the hand.


“guy just forget those guys, make i prepare for Class today, e don tey wey i enter class” i informed him. Truly, even my coursemates wont recognise my face because i attend classes like a federal government worker.

“Toh, me i no fit go today” philip informed me.

“You sef, no need go class you go still get your first class” i teased.

I went home to dress, and apply make-up. Una think say na only women the make up shey? Make una dey there make pant dey wear una na. I usually make-up, just that i dont wear perfumes, you guys should know the reason na.
I b@nged my door and left for the class. On my way, i decided to branch philip’s side to atleast see him before i leave for class.

On arrival, i saw him and musa engaging in a serious conversation but they immediately stopped when i entered the room.

“wetin una dey talk na?” i asked but the whole room was mute.

“tell am na” musa urged philip.

But he kept quiet and was contemplating.
“guy that our taxi driver na member of that cult o” he finally spoke.

“And so?” i asked confused.

“Na vivian been arrange the taxi for us that day na” musa replied me. I started connecting the dots, vivian wasn’t in the party. But why was philip trying to hide it from me? Thats what i’m going to find out.