Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy… Season 1

Season 6 years ago

Must Read: Life Of Uam Boy… Season 1

“Oboy see goal wey i score?”

“Abegi, dat ur goal no even sweet sef u no see as i dey coordinate ball for midfield?”

“Una dey yarn like say una no see my c.ronaldo mode wey i carry enter pitch today”.

“Make mumu dey worry u na, u know say na messi dey silence ronaldo”.

“Gerrout, wetin messi sabi?”

That was the jobless arguement of three hungry men; myself, philip and musa that faithful evening when coming back from the football field. Yes i said “jobless”. What else would have made three young boys whose mates are farming in the village to be shouting and argueing over people who dont even knw they exist? Well i guess that makes all guys jobless or atleast 80% of guys because at every nook and cranny of the campus you find them argueing about this same topic. BTW, can an arguement be jobless? ask WOLE SOYINKA
Ehen kelvin u see as that girl been just the look you for field? Philip cut short my meaninful thoughts. Which girl be dat? Dat girl wey dey for complex na…

Brief introduction:my name is kelvin, am a 100 level student of the federal university of Agriculture makurdi Aka university of agriculture makurdi(i guess you now know the meaning of “UAM”?.


Back to the story, complex is a lazy way of calling engeneering lecture complex. So what philip was trying to say was that the girl receives lectures in the engineering lecture complex which incedentally is where i also receive my lectures.
U no know say i be star? Na me everybody come watch na.

I serious o dat babe dey into u.

The sentence quickly trigered a nerve in my body dat quickly sent an impulse to my brain and my dull brain quickly interpreted it as “oboy your net don catch fish”

Ehen which girl be dat na? I no see anyone o. Dull me, i didn’t even know if it was an imbec!le and i was already celebrating.

Na vivian na, dat fair fine gal… “Fine girl” those were dey words my ear never liked hearing because as soon as it caught the words it quickly trew it to my brain. One thing i like my brain for is that, even though its dull, when it comes to good things “that guy no dey carry last”. A quick smile formed on my face which made my handsome face look like that of “our former presido”, I no call name o.
Philip and musa later branched to their house while i strolled to mine. Unlike philip and musa that were roommates, i lived alone. Did i jst hear you say big boy? Wait untill u know the condition of my house. I live in a one room apartment that function both as palour, bedroom and kitchen.
Yes you heard right, i cook in my palour. The bathroom is made of zinc and palm frond that ends at my waist level and as for toilet, visit the nearest neighbour. I guess by now you all know why i have no roommate, as all my buddies prefer that dirty hostel to my room. I dont blame them much, how many of you will allow your son to be my roommate? I was still in my thinking mode when i heard a soft knock on my door.

Oboy i never cook o,you better turn back o. I shouted thinking it was philip and musa but when the knocking continued i stood up to open the door only to find her standing there with this daughter of eve smile….

I stood at the door and since she wanted to show me that she uses closeup toothpaste, i also showed her that i use oral-B, i flashed my perfect dentition as we stood there looking at each other as if trying to outshine each other.

Anybody passing would have tot we were having a smiling contest. After about 30seconds of smiling, she turned her back and started going.
Wait o, na my teeth this girl come look?
Are you going? I asked her.

No, i wan go piss would have been the perfect response but she jst turned back and said “u weren’t willing to let me in na, so i figured i wasn’t welcomed.”

oh! My bad, please come in. I quickly made way for her before she changed her mind.

U have a nice room she said, after looking round my empty room. Abeg if na insult u come here to come insult me u better start with id¡ot o i said within me but outwardly, i just smiled and said thank you(atleast i dey watch nigeria film).

So what can i offer you?

Nothing, am ok.

E be like say this girl the pity me as she see my room o. No!!!! Tufia, i will not fall my hand. You cant just come and visit me for the first time and refuse to take anything na, dont worry let me buy u a malt. I quick picked up my empty wallet and dashed out of the room straight to philip’s house.

Oboy abeg come pass me 2h my courserep just call me say phisics101 material don dey available.

Haba, no be phy101 wey u buy last week?
No!! This one na new one.

Na so una go buy all the materials still go fail for exam.

If you like insult me o, as far as u the give me money, no problem.

I quickly collected the money and ran straight to mama nkechi.

Costumer welcome o, i no come see you the other day again.

Chai!!! I don Bleep up. Last week i came to buy garri from mama nkechi on credit and promised to pay her the next day but since then i have been avoiding her.

Mama no vex o, na one silly lecturer wey say if we no pay am money we no go pass naim i use the money pay o.

Eyaa, all this una mumu lecturer wey no dey pity student. No problem sha, shey na the money u don bring na??

Mama i go give you your money tomorow, i just one buy malt for my visitor. She looked me for like 10 seconds before giving me the malt.

Correctest mama!!!! Na only you i get for this school o, i hailed her. On my way home i started reasoning; but wait o, why i go just commot leave visitor for house like that na? What if she be thief? What if she come put love portion for my garri? Those were the random toughts that crossed my mind. Abegi, wetin even dey dat room wey she go steal sef? If she fit garry my matress put for head d run toh, but if she no fit she go jst endure cos na matress be my most valuable asset. An idea crossed my mind.

I tiptoed to my room in an attempt to catch her red-handed putting love portion in my garri.

Na wetin happen wey you dey waka like person wey carry sh¡t for nyash na? Mike my yoruba neighbour asked.

Oboy na fowl enter my room naim i wan catch am o.

Correct guy!!! Oboy ma follow u so that we go catch am use do peppersoup.

No be big fowl o,na the small pikin.

Mtcheeew!!! Naim u dey do like say na lion.

Good riddance!!!!! I shouted inside me and continued my tip-toe. I reached
the my door of my room and peeped only to meet the shocker of my life…

vivian was busy viewing my photo album.

u might be wondering what makes it a shocker.
let me tell you a stort story.

few months ago at our matriculation, we were looking for a photographer to snap us. after searching for close to 30 mins. we became impatient.

it wasnt because there was no photographer, it was because we needed a photogragher that would give us a memorable picture.

broses, na photographer una dey find? a short man who was jst few inches taller than the legendary aki and paw paw asked.

i wanted to ignore him but my friends replied in the affirmative.

na me dem dey call world best. if i snap u, no go show people the picture o. i no want make people come full here.

he spoke with confidence, i guess thats what convised us.

oya come snap us quick quick.

he dint even waste time, he just grabbed his camera as if he had not seen any customer that day.

bros smile na, you chop bitter kola? he was reffering to moses, a friend of mine.

if only he had seen the teeth of moses, he would have paid him to close his mouth.

piakam piakam piakam he took the snap shots.

we later took single pictures. i personally took close to 15.

make una stroll first, before una come una picture don ready. “world best” advised us.

we jst went and sat closeby, waiting for our pictures.

after what seems like eternity, our pictures were finally ready.

world best who be dis? was the first question i heard.

fine boy, u no sabi yourself again? i tell you say i be one in town. i forgot about my pictures to take a look at that of moses.

what i saw made me laugh out my kidney.

i saw a creature whose head was like a cashew nut, with a glowing forehead as if a gallon of palm oil had been emptied on it.

that wasnt all, moses who wasnt smilling when taking the pictures was shining his teeth in the pictures. those same set of teeth dat could scare the hell out of a vampire. my dear friend was miraculously transformed into a troll.

after laughing and trowing all kinds of insults at moses who was too annoyed to talk, i decided to open mine.

what i saw cut short my laughter. i had only one ear and one eye. the eye was so large and was on my forehead.

my tommy was like that of a nigerian politician,not to mention my blue jeans that was pink in the photo.

world best wetin be dis na?.

you no like am? see as e fine na.

i wasnt in the mood to argue so i just asked him how much was his money.

e suppose be #3000 o, but as you be my custumer, i go collect #2500
if only he knew what i was thinking, he would have given me the pictures for free.

i later paid him #1500 and left.

the way he rushed the money confirmed he hasnt seen any customer.

those were the same pictures vivian was viewing with rapt attention.

i guess you now know why it was a shocker, atleast to me.

“sometimes we pray for extraodinary powers when we are faced with extraodinary situations”

in my case i was praying for that kind of powers that could change the images on a picture to that of my taste.

are you going to stand there forever? vivian asked.

this girl na witch o, how she take know say i stand for door na? if only i could answer that question, i would probably have written a “best seller” on the topic “HOW WITCHES DO WHAT THEY DO”. trust me, nigerians will buy that book to the last copy.
i walked into the the room in a braggadocio manner holding the malt in my hand.
.
you didnt have to do dat.

do what? i asked
go all out to impress me.

i didnt, i was just trying to entertain my vistor.
obviously, my photo album isnt the reason you came to visit me or is it? i asked after noticing how engrossed she was in my photo album.

nice pictures can actually make you forget the reason for your visit, she said.

this girl is full of irony i tought.

anyway, i just came to ask you if you could solve my assignment for me.

which course?
Maths101.

at the mention of maths 101, i was like WTF!!!

Maths101 is a course feared by most year 1 students not because it’s difficult but rumour has it dat the lecturer is a masters student and he gives his students questions meant for him.

should i bring it?

No problem na, you can bring it when you are ready. i replied confidently, obviously feeling like a genius.

k, i’l check on you later. bye.
she stood up and left without touching the malt.
mtcheeeeew!!!! so na because of assignment i go buy malt sef??

just then i heard a sound in my stomach. damn!!!! i havent eaten.

i quickly closed my door and dashed straight to the hostel to meet my food supply.

MOSES! MOSES!! i hailed as soon as i reached the hostel. remember moses? the guy that got his real identity from “world best”
oboy how far na?

your boy dey o, na only hunger wan finish person.
no worry, food dey fire.
***********************
few minutes later the ‘supposed food’ was ready.

what i saw made me loss appetite. one can see the plate through the soup, it was damn watery.
i managed to eat because of the hunger.

after eating, i went straight home and fell on my bed. what a day!!!!

the malt i bought for vivian was still staring at me but i decided to leave it so that i can return it the next day.

if only i knew what the next day had in stock for me..

sleep! sleep!! sleep!!! oh how i love sleep. the period of sleep is the only period when we are not thinking about the troubles of this world. it is the period when all your senses are relaxed.Thank God for creating sleep.

the ring tone from my old nokia phone woke me up. it was phillip.

how far? i asked immediately after answering the call with sleep still in my eyes.

you no go class go jack yesterday wetin happen na?

nothing o, na just tiredness.

tiredness ke, girl come visit u?

the events of the previous day started playing in my head.

ehen, e get one maths101 assignment wey i go give you later o. phillip was a maths geek. he can even derive his own formula and solve the most complex of questions
na the assignment we even solve for class yesterday sef. phillip replied.

how you take get the question?

the stup¡d man give us the assignment ma na.
k na, i go collect am from you first tin tomorrow morning.

no problem, i dey na.

after ending the call i looked at the time on my phone and it was just a few minutes past 3. thats plenty of time to enjoy my sweet sleep i said to myself before drifting away into a memorable sleep.
******************************
The bright light that shone into my room reminded me of the saying “there is light at the end of the tunnel” my sleep was a smooth tunnel.

i slowly opened my eyes and the first thing i saw was the bottle of malt i bought for vivian the previous day.

mtcheeeew!!! i checked the time and it was 7:15 am. daaamn!!!!! i had slept for almost 12hrs. if only i got paid #5 per minute slept, i would have made enough money to pay mama nkechi.
i lazily got up washed my face and brushed my teeth then walked to phillip’s house to collect the assignment.

i met phillip already dressed up and was preparing to go for his lectures.

oboy dis one wey u never prepare like dis, you no dey go class?

its like i no go fit go today o, wey dey assignment na?

oboy dat question take style hard o.

if phillip could say the questions where hard, then how the hell am i suppose to teach vivian? well, she just said “solve my assingment for me” she didn’t say i’ll teach her.
all this while musa was still sleeping like a log of wood.

you don f@g dis one sotey e no fit wake up again ba? i asked phillip.

e better pass u wey dey run enter bathroom go self service na.

abeg give me the assignment make i commot for here before you spoil me o.
****************************
I sat in my room cramming the answers to the questions incase vivian would want me to teach her. suddenly, i remembered i had to return vivian’s malt to mama nkechi.

kpam kpam kpam… i knocked at mama nkechi’s shop. the ever ready fat mama nkechi was there devouring a plate of Akpu and egusi soup. i wonder why someone would be eating that kind of food in the morning.

ehen?? wetin you wan buy?

no, i just wan return dis malt collect my money.
my visitor been no drink am yesterday.

mama nkechi didn’t even reply me. she just gulped down a large volume of water as if she was trying to assimilate what i just said.
ehen… you say wetin?

i say make u give me my money come collect your malt.

mama nkechi just came forward as if she wanted to collect the malt. i was giving her the malt while she was grabbing my trouser.

wait o! no be dis hand wey dis woman no wash be dis?

after u don carry my malt go do juju finish naim you wan come give me so that i go forget about the garri money wey u owe me shey? your plan no go work o, you must pay me all my money wey you dey owe me today.

trust uni agric na, the crowd had started garthering, watching the comedy movie that was unfolding right in front of their eyes.

naso una go run person market down because of credit. what was this woman saying? only #300 naira garri and she was complaining that i could run down her business, or was her business worth only #300?

what’s going on here? an angelic voice spoke. on turning back, i realised the owner of the voice was vivian.

chai!!!!!!!! mama nkechi don fall my hand.